Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
