I skipped work to stalk him.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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