I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
