I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
