I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
