My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
