i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
