I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish I only lived at night.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
