Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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