Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
