Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Randomize
