I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
