I didn't shave. On purpose
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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