I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
