well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
