Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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