We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
