If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
