you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
