so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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