The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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