So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
