So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
