I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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