Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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