While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
