I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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