All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
