and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
