he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
