i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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