We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
