i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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