So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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