I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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