I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
