im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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