I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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