dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
