Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
