Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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