My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
