then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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