I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
