see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
