i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
