what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ttyl tear gas
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
