I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
