She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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