What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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