I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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