Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
