Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
